Wet Whistle


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the calculator

i looked up online how much the average full-time bartender in Miami makes:

$41,600.00 per year.

how much do i think the average bartender in Miami makes?

well, let’s think about a few categories of bartender first:

1.Hot Bodied Model Actress Type Female Bartender in a Popular nightclub $120,000/yr

2.Attractive, Experienced, and Very Efficient Male Bartender who also gets money for repping alcohol brands $85,000/yr

3.cute girl next door female bartender $45,000/yr

4. average dude bartender that winks at girls and sleeps with one here and there $42,000/yr

5. extremely experienced wrinkly bartender (sex not important) $35,000/yr

Miami is a great place to be a bartender, unless of course you have a propensity for drug, alcohol or sex addictions.  in which case, steer clear. Miami bartending will breed your bad habits like yellow labs in the spring of 1995.

how much do i make a year?

I spend it too fast to keep track, sorry and oops.  But we all know im a girl next door type PLUS a push up bra.

What this blog post  is really about is tipping.  I am very lucky to work at an establishment currently where people are extremely generous and don’t need a lecture.  but there is a lecture, and im calling it, THE CALCULATOR.  The inspiration for this lecture is my own pre bartending perception of how much a bartender must make.  I always thought that if everyone was tipping the bartender 20 percent they must all be making 100 grand a year.  it take 30 seconds to crack open a beer right?  and how many beers can they crack in an 8 hour shift? I would estimate very conservatively 700 beers.  a dollar tip per beer!?! those filthy criminals, they wont notice if i don’t tip them at all.  When I became a bartender, I learned the really real math.  Most bartenders are only making 1/10th that much.  This formula is based on the current establishment i work in, again, the numbers aren’t the same but i imagine they would be pretty standard in Miami.  Again, as I have said, our customers are extremely generous where I work and THE CALCULATOR in no way reflects them.  I have worked in places where the management would basically steal from the bartenders under the pretense that the money had to go to some sort of administrative costs for me to do my job.  this is NOT uncommon.  I have had as much as 40%of tips taken from me for the company i worked for to be sure everything was administered properly.  the legality of the whole thing is questionable.


:a short lesson on how far a dollar per drink tip goes.

so I, T Con, give you, creepy old  man imagining throwing me against the wall as you hold onto my pigtails and whisper in my ear that you have always been in love with the Swiss Miss girl, a Miller Lite, after you give me a hard time about the restaurant I work in not carrying Bud Lite, as if that represented my poor decision-making skills to align myself with a place that doesn’t serve your favorite watery beer.  I pour the beer in a glass for you hoping that your prolific imagination will be able to get you through drinking it by pretending the piss colored froth is your beloved BL.  In the meantime you are asking me the standard battery of questions: “what’s your name? Where are you from?  where are you really from?  Fine, where are your parents from?  Fine again, what ethnicity are you?  How did a girl like YOU end up in Miami?  What are you doing after work tonight?  Do you have a boyfriend?

all my answers satisfying the idea that your Swiss Miss fantasy might come true if you give me enough money

I give you your check for your $8 beer that is an abomination to your personal preference and you give me 10 bucks “keep it sweetheart *obscene kissy face*

so here i am 3 minutes later with 2 dollars in my hand.  Where does that 2 dollars go?  in the tip jar.

so, we will imagine that on an average night, there are about 108 of these transactions.  (based on an  8 hour shift with an average 6 hours with a consistent base of customers)

so what do we have at the end of the night? 218 bucks.  not so bad.  that’s over a grand a week.

is that how much T Con takes home?  NOPE.

$40 for the bar back

$5 for the girl that makes the coffee

$10 for the person that cut all the fruit and set up the bar in the morning

$10 for the guy that cleans the floor

$10 for the guy who polishes the glasses

that is 218-75

$143 per night

so, if everyone is tipping $1/drink that equals a grand total of


the fact is, fantasies are free…but i did give you an easy set up with the pigtails and push up bra.  so if any part of you refers to the thought of me when you bang your wife, just remember how much that is really worth.  I personally rely on your generosity to buy naughty things for us.


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On Sports and Women

“You are a dog with a bone.

Give me a call when your Braves, Mets, or even dogass Indians can carry the jockstraps of the Yankees.

I would not be a Yankees fan unless I was a New Yorker- and with 20 years under my belt, I qualify as a New Yorker.  And when you finally grow a pair and move to the Apple, you will eventually become a Yankees fan yourself, because fundamentally always being morally superior but losing isn’t as much fun as winning.

Just like in politics.

Just like in life.

Your friend.


Not a bad response, sitting at a bar and lusting after a way too young delicious bartender.”

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How To: Avoid Prostitutes and Prostitution

How to: Avoid Prostitution

“Ill take care of you, give you anything you ask for, pay for your school, supply you with everything you need to live the kind of successful life you want.  You just have to be my girlfriend” -Anonymous patron of The Conquistadora

Is T Con considering this offer?  Um, hell yes she is.  Offers like this come along everyday for female bartenders…but they are usually guised in a sentence more like this “I have a 70 ft yacht, can I take you out to dinner?”  There is something alarmingly pleasant about a man who writes up the contract, more or less, “Can I pay you to spend time with me?”  When these propositions come in, TC always asks herself a series of questions to keep her from becoming a prostitute..they are as follows:

1. “Is there a greater than 2 percent chance that this guy is full of shit?”  (the answer to this is always, “yes,” but she sometimes entertains herself long enough to ask a few more questions.)

2.  Do I REALLY want to be a prostitute?

3. Whats gonna happen when he finds out I dont really have any boobs?

4. Do I have time for ANOTHER boyfriend?

So usually after T Con realizes that propositions like these can never really work out for her, she replies with something like “*giggle giggle*  Im so SHY!  Dont embarrass me. *wink*”

It is in this way in which she is able to avoid becoming a hooker at work.

How to: Avoid Prostitutes

If you are in T Cons neck of the woods, sitting at her bar, or any within 3 blocks, please avoid all girls that look even remotely like this:

Tell tale signs:


slightly outdated slutty dress

manicure and pedicure

usually seen with a friend who looks very similar splitting a salad

huge fake boobies

a weave

a purse from an Italian designer that was obviously produced in Asia…or…maybe Russia

If yo somehow see under her dress, she isnt wearing panties and her butt hole is likely enormous

One of T Cons favorite customers ALWAYS gets tricked by these young angels.  When they start talking to him and ask him to go home with them he always comes to T Con and says, “My life is so hard, so many ladies to please.”  TC  still is not sure if he knows what a hooker is or if he just thinks men have to pay for sex; the legs dont open unless you put a quarter in or something.  Either way, he is a gem.

If you are from out of town and TC takes a liking to you right away, she might warn you about the fact that you are about to taken for a very expensive and dangerous ride.  If she doesnt care for you as much she will let you flirt with the hookers all night until they hit you and ask you to pay and your self esteem drops to just about negative five hundred fifty.  So a good way to avoid prostitutes is by being nice to your bartender.

If you dont like any of these strategies, I propose just do whatever you can to look extremely poor.  Like sit at the bar and eat all the Andes mints from the hostess stand pretending you cant afford anything off the menu.  Maybe when/if a woman approaches you as you sit there on the bar stool, tell her you just got your wallet stolen and you’re waiting for a friend to come bail you out, make sure you have your bus stub sitting on the counter too.  and above all else, leave your watch at home.

Weekend Tokens for your bartender:

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passions on wknds

so sometimes people get your phone number.  this can be scary.  T con can handle situations like this, like today when a girl she used to work with at a night club, Samantha, gave her number to a friend.  The text conversation is as follows:

Pete: The party is on for friday at my theatre (address) $10 byob with male dancer  let me know if we can do this please

place to have fun

Pete: Do u bartend on friday and saturday night hun?  Pete samanthas friend

T Con: Sure do Pete!

Pete: Looking 4 beautiful women 4 passions  would luv 2 have you   where u at beautiful

T Con: Im at (bar)

Pete: Where’s that  lol  would luv a pic of u c how beautiful you still are

T Con: Come have a drink and snap one

Pete: Where is place

T Con: (address of bar)

Pete: Ohhhh what days and times u interested in passions at all on wknd

T Con: N/A


a business card…from a woman!

another very amazing gift blessed T Con today, a one of a kind social situation.  a very lovely woman with hair that was home to what can be refered to as “rats nests, ” or “the fifth day of a woman’s study of dreadlocks,” was sitting with a rather dapper man who I heard mention spent a lot of time in the white house.  im not sure what they were talking about, but what TC pieced together was that the woman  had decided to become a Christian.  It was difficult to really understand the full story because every time she spoke the guy who probably has to do retinal scans would try to lick her mouth.  she would begin to cry hysterically intermittently, and thus, “the politician” would find different methods of calming her down such as: telling her to drink more, shutting her up with more mouth licks, putting fancy cheeses in her face, or going to the restroom.  the best tactic though, and the one that had Dora and her teammates reeling was when she was bawling particularly madly at one moment, and he sang this song to her with sincere charisma and animation: High Hopes

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the other side reads “HUGE COCK”

I forgot this on Dora’s gift list earlier…and its a real gem

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The Power of Titties

This blog is about my experiences as a bartender.  im not fond of long drawn out introductions…the details will come with time.  this first post will introduce you to two and a half  people….first, me:

im the 25 year old flat chested female who loves foreign films, smart men, talking about business strategies, sunshine and especially my dad.  The blog is about this girl:

the 25 year old ex gymnast bartender with pretty big titties pushed up into her chin who loves tequila, eyeliner, chasing C notes, 4.5 lb cracked and stuffed lobsters and asking questions like, “do i look like im good at giving BJ’s?”  We will call her The Conquistadora for the run of this blog.  AKA “T Con,” “TC,” “Dora,” and any other that may sepersede.

the half a girl is the bartending ex gymnast who tricks people into imagining her sucking them off  (T con) during the state of trying to convince people she meets that she is actually the other girl…the one with the t-shirt collection that is writing this blog.  basically the half girl is the one who lets a lot of people down.  she looks like this:

this girl still tries to look pretty but she leaves the boobs at home.  so she wears eyeliner but she is still flat chested.  she could pass for pretty in some hyper educated places like
San Francisco or Boston Mass.

This blog will focus on fat tittied TC but the other girl and a half might make a guest appearance here and there.  you can skip those posts if you like.

Now I will indoctrinate you into the tools T Con uses to do her job well/relatively well/well enough not to lose her job.  the list of these tools is as follows: (included are approximate prices.  bartending is about making the bucks after all.)

(4) wine key $15

(1) black eyeliner $17

(1) black mascara $21

(1) black eyeshadow $6 (on sale, obviously)

(4) wide leg black pants $40

(1) MBT mary janes $315 (to prevent fatigue and soreness, hidden by wide leg black pants)

(5) black corsets $50

(1) victorias secret super fabulous 2 cup sizes bigger black strapless bra $46

(1 pair) cleavage cupcakes aka silicone boob inserts $36

please notice that at least three items on the list emphasize the size of the Conquistadora’s chest in some way.  The fourth item, the black eyeshadow, which you may not have put on the list of breast enhancers, can be used to add a shadow between the bubs to create an even more interesting facade.  these items emulate the appearance of a woman with a C cup.

why is this important?  you already know.  Titties equal power.  over both men and women.  Men want to put them in their mouths, women want to have them so men want to put them in their mouths.  so then they can have babies.  its all very simple.

TC uses this method to make people want to give her things, namely bucks.  she makes people think that if they give her bucks they will grow closer to her titties in some way.  she uses alcohol to make the transaction seem legitimate.  she once worked with a girl with huge fake knockers who make cash with this technique enough to drive a hummer and take vacations to sought after destinations like St Tropez.  TC hasn’t been allowed to get fake boobs because the writer of this blog likes the squishyness of regular boobs.  it is a struggle between the two and you have the privilege to see what happens if you keep reading this blog!

I will also be posting gifts in every post.  gifts are things customers give to T Con.  they are mostly business cards.  though TC once got a napkin im so sorry was misplaced that read “I LOVE YOU! you better call me you little shit! XXX-XXX-XXXX”

today’s gifts:

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