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How To: Avoid Prostitutes and Prostitution

How to: Avoid Prostitution

“Ill take care of you, give you anything you ask for, pay for your school, supply you with everything you need to live the kind of successful life you want.  You just have to be my girlfriend” -Anonymous patron of The Conquistadora

Is T Con considering this offer?  Um, hell yes she is.  Offers like this come along everyday for female bartenders…but they are usually guised in a sentence more like this “I have a 70 ft yacht, can I take you out to dinner?”  There is something alarmingly pleasant about a man who writes up the contract, more or less, “Can I pay you to spend time with me?”  When these propositions come in, TC always asks herself a series of questions to keep her from becoming a prostitute..they are as follows:

1. “Is there a greater than 2 percent chance that this guy is full of shit?”  (the answer to this is always, “yes,” but she sometimes entertains herself long enough to ask a few more questions.)

2.  Do I REALLY want to be a prostitute?

3. Whats gonna happen when he finds out I dont really have any boobs?

4. Do I have time for ANOTHER boyfriend?

So usually after T Con realizes that propositions like these can never really work out for her, she replies with something like “*giggle giggle*  Im so SHY!  Dont embarrass me. *wink*”

It is in this way in which she is able to avoid becoming a hooker at work.

How to: Avoid Prostitutes

If you are in T Cons neck of the woods, sitting at her bar, or any within 3 blocks, please avoid all girls that look even remotely like this:

Tell tale signs:


slightly outdated slutty dress

manicure and pedicure

usually seen with a friend who looks very similar splitting a salad

huge fake boobies

a weave

a purse from an Italian designer that was obviously produced in Asia…or…maybe Russia

If yo somehow see under her dress, she isnt wearing panties and her butt hole is likely enormous

One of T Cons favorite customers ALWAYS gets tricked by these young angels.  When they start talking to him and ask him to go home with them he always comes to T Con and says, “My life is so hard, so many ladies to please.”  TC  still is not sure if he knows what a hooker is or if he just thinks men have to pay for sex; the legs dont open unless you put a quarter in or something.  Either way, he is a gem.

If you are from out of town and TC takes a liking to you right away, she might warn you about the fact that you are about to taken for a very expensive and dangerous ride.  If she doesnt care for you as much she will let you flirt with the hookers all night until they hit you and ask you to pay and your self esteem drops to just about negative five hundred fifty.  So a good way to avoid prostitutes is by being nice to your bartender.

If you dont like any of these strategies, I propose just do whatever you can to look extremely poor.  Like sit at the bar and eat all the Andes mints from the hostess stand pretending you cant afford anything off the menu.  Maybe when/if a woman approaches you as you sit there on the bar stool, tell her you just got your wallet stolen and you’re waiting for a friend to come bail you out, make sure you have your bus stub sitting on the counter too.  and above all else, leave your watch at home.

Weekend Tokens for your bartender:


Filed under: Uncategorized

4 Responses

  1. Cakey says:

    All I can say is there used to be conversations about blowjob hookers.

    & I love your new blog =)

  2. Katia says:

    🙂 harsh on us Russians!!! but still funny

  3. I just had an epiphany. Iv’e been to your bar several times. Or maybe, to several of your bars several times. Never been hit on by a hooker. Apparently l am too low class for hookers. Huh. That’s a strange thought to have.

    Ps. You should come to Berlin. Beer is cheap. living is cheap. Im sure other things are cheap too, but it’s 3 am and I’m not going to list any more things.

    Miss your face and your cocktails, which are seriously the best I’ve ever had.

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