Wet Whistle


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the calculator

i looked up online how much the average full-time bartender in Miami makes:

$41,600.00 per year.

how much do i think the average bartender in Miami makes?

well, let’s think about a few categories of bartender first:

1.Hot Bodied Model Actress Type Female Bartender in a Popular nightclub $120,000/yr

2.Attractive, Experienced, and Very Efficient Male Bartender who also gets money for repping alcohol brands $85,000/yr

3.cute girl next door female bartender $45,000/yr

4. average dude bartender that winks at girls and sleeps with one here and there $42,000/yr

5. extremely experienced wrinkly bartender (sex not important) $35,000/yr

Miami is a great place to be a bartender, unless of course you have a propensity for drug, alcohol or sex addictions.  in which case, steer clear. Miami bartending will breed your bad habits like yellow labs in the spring of 1995.

how much do i make a year?

I spend it too fast to keep track, sorry and oops.  But we all know im a girl next door type PLUS a push up bra.

What this blog post  is really about is tipping.  I am very lucky to work at an establishment currently where people are extremely generous and don’t need a lecture.  but there is a lecture, and im calling it, THE CALCULATOR.  The inspiration for this lecture is my own pre bartending perception of how much a bartender must make.  I always thought that if everyone was tipping the bartender 20 percent they must all be making 100 grand a year.  it take 30 seconds to crack open a beer right?  and how many beers can they crack in an 8 hour shift? I would estimate very conservatively 700 beers.  a dollar tip per beer!?! those filthy criminals, they wont notice if i don’t tip them at all.  When I became a bartender, I learned the really real math.  Most bartenders are only making 1/10th that much.  This formula is based on the current establishment i work in, again, the numbers aren’t the same but i imagine they would be pretty standard in Miami.  Again, as I have said, our customers are extremely generous where I work and THE CALCULATOR in no way reflects them.  I have worked in places where the management would basically steal from the bartenders under the pretense that the money had to go to some sort of administrative costs for me to do my job.  this is NOT uncommon.  I have had as much as 40%of tips taken from me for the company i worked for to be sure everything was administered properly.  the legality of the whole thing is questionable.


:a short lesson on how far a dollar per drink tip goes.

so I, T Con, give you, creepy old  man imagining throwing me against the wall as you hold onto my pigtails and whisper in my ear that you have always been in love with the Swiss Miss girl, a Miller Lite, after you give me a hard time about the restaurant I work in not carrying Bud Lite, as if that represented my poor decision-making skills to align myself with a place that doesn’t serve your favorite watery beer.  I pour the beer in a glass for you hoping that your prolific imagination will be able to get you through drinking it by pretending the piss colored froth is your beloved BL.  In the meantime you are asking me the standard battery of questions: “what’s your name? Where are you from?  where are you really from?  Fine, where are your parents from?  Fine again, what ethnicity are you?  How did a girl like YOU end up in Miami?  What are you doing after work tonight?  Do you have a boyfriend?

all my answers satisfying the idea that your Swiss Miss fantasy might come true if you give me enough money

I give you your check for your $8 beer that is an abomination to your personal preference and you give me 10 bucks “keep it sweetheart *obscene kissy face*

so here i am 3 minutes later with 2 dollars in my hand.  Where does that 2 dollars go?  in the tip jar.

so, we will imagine that on an average night, there are about 108 of these transactions.  (based on an  8 hour shift with an average 6 hours with a consistent base of customers)

so what do we have at the end of the night? 218 bucks.  not so bad.  that’s over a grand a week.

is that how much T Con takes home?  NOPE.

$40 for the bar back

$5 for the girl that makes the coffee

$10 for the person that cut all the fruit and set up the bar in the morning

$10 for the guy that cleans the floor

$10 for the guy who polishes the glasses

that is 218-75

$143 per night

so, if everyone is tipping $1/drink that equals a grand total of


the fact is, fantasies are free…but i did give you an easy set up with the pigtails and push up bra.  so if any part of you refers to the thought of me when you bang your wife, just remember how much that is really worth.  I personally rely on your generosity to buy naughty things for us.


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